I personally know the feelings of isolation that comes with not giving a narcissist their way. With one of the most important relationships of my life, the father of my youngest child, I found myself digging deep into studying human behaviors because I knew that how I was being treated did not feel right. A significant part of me wanted the relationship and loved him very much. Still, there was the small reluctant side that kept me questioning the relationship along with my family’s disapproval. I found myself reliving many of the horrible, debilitating emotions that I felt in that relationship under Trump’s presidency.
Many politicians that worked with Trump came out saying how working for him felt like a bad marriage. It has also been said that when someone in a family has a mental illness, everyone in the family suffers from that illness. The president has managed to pull us into his condition. The characteristics of narcissists are challenging and a roller coaster, like the raggedy Eagle at Six Flags Great America Gurnee, roller coaster.
What draws me in is how I see many people, especially in the media getting sucked-up into his games and deep desire to win and not realize it. I used to feel horrible for choosing a person like this for myself, and even more for my child. Now that I see that an entire country can make the same mistake, I feel a little better about moving forward with my life.
In a relationship with narcissists, there is constant chaos. There is always something going wrong for things to go right. I remember one time, my ex said to me, I can’t wait until our first argument. In hindsight, that should’ve been a red flag. Still, I looked at it like it’s unfortunate that men nowadays only see love through destructive behaviors. I attempted to explain to him that it doesn’t necessarily show that someone loves you.
What it took me a long time to realize is that in their game to control being able to anger you shows that they can control you and the narrative, along with making them seem as though they have self-control, while you are quick to lose it. They always find a way to lure you into proving yourself and your sanity. Causing people to question you and your decision-making.
Kind of like MAGA. Perfect acronym to create a blanket statement. Seemed harmless to the masses, while many Black people were screaming that it was not innocent. Many of us knew it was a rallying cry to racists. When we saw the burning tiki torches marching through North Carolina on television, many Black people already knew it was only a matter of time. Trump said fine people on both sides were not as surprising to us as many people, especially news reporters.
I remember my brother warning me about my daughter’s father. It was not that I did not believe him or value his advice; it was the hope that the intentions could not be rooted in malice or to harm. The grand deceptive mechanism that comes in a narcissist tool belt is being misunderstood.
These charmers somehow get their victims to believe that people do not like them because they just misunderstand them. I can recall those coaching sessions quite well. I thought my ex was pouring his heart out to me, and I was the one he opened up to. He had all these pinned-up frustrations that no one could understand. They were layered in truths. He is a Black man who became a part of many binding systems, one being the school pipe-line to prison. It was an issue I believe exists and often talked about dismantling. Still, this issue was dear to me, so his opening-up about his issues really opened up my compassion. Because of this, I found myself protecting him and making sense of his chaos because he had a reason to be this way.
We saw this in the beginning with Trump campaigning before the 2016 election. His business sense was going to be the answer that helped damn near everyone; Black people, small-business people, oil industry people, suburban white people, and anybody looking for support in the American project.
It’s what narcissists do!
Goodbye, or no, is probably the most challenging defeat in overcoming narcissists. Choosing to be out of the relationship came with punishment, not only to me but to my child. Failure or a loss never resonates with a narcissist. I am not a psychologist, so I cannot attest to why. I know from my experience that they typically disappear and then create a narrative that makes them look like they won, even if it does not align with the facts or truth.
With all that being said, overcomers of narcissists, I know going through this presidency and the year 2020 in particular, was challenging psychologically and possibly emotionally. Still, if you can see it this way, it builds your resilience. I do believe even supporters of this president will see in time that all the chaos was not worth the vote. It takes a while for your mind to return to level-headedness beyond the lies and manipulation.
As a nation, we have gone through many challenges. Still, as a nation, we will continue to move this American project forward.